“Don’t go to sleep angry.” How many times have you heard that as marriage advice? What advice would you give newly married couples – or even couples who may be struggling in their marriage? I’ve thought about that – and about advice I was given. However, the advice I really remember getting wasn’t really given as advice per se, but just something said to me by my mom early into my marriage.
My mom never really sat me down and gave me “a talk” about marriage and what it would entail. She never told me what I needed to do to have a good marriage – or not a good marriage. I guess she figured I would learn it all on my own. Which I have, to some extent, but I am still learning. Marriage is a continuous learning process, it never stops. If it does stop, well, I would say your marriage is in trouble.
On to the advice-that wasn’t really given as advice. I hadn’t been married very long when I called my mom complaining. You know how it is – trying to mix two completely different people together for the first time – two ways of doing things – two young (and we were young, only 21) kids trying to make a go of it. So when I called to complain – she says –“what about Doug?” Excuse me – I am your daughter, he is just the new son-in-law, who cares – what about ME? My mom told me not to come to her with complaints, it was to my husband I should be going to. It was with him I needed to talk to, not anybody else. It was OUR marriage, not hers, not anybody else’s. Talk to my husband.
Fast forward 25 years, and yes I mean now. I called my mom – in tears. Don’t we all want to have our mom comfort us when we are in pain – emotionally or physically? Well, this was an emotional pain. As I am pouring my heart out to her, she says “what about Doug?” What – here I am crying to you and you want to know about Doug? I tell her that he just said to “learn to live with it (what I was crying about) and to move on.” “Oh Micheline” she says, “He needs you right now just as you need him. He needs your arms around him, just like you need his around you.” Same basic advice she gave me before– go to your husband – 25 years later. It was the same thing – this is YOUR marriage, not hers, and not anybody else’s.
As women we always tend to go to other women to get sympathy and understanding when problems arise. We know that another woman will say the things we want to hear, which usually men (meaning husbands) won’t do. I have been guilty of this too many times. (More than once is too many times!) But, is it right to take our problems or concerns about our husbands or our marriage to other women? Doesn’t that in someway compound the problem? Imagine if we always went to our husbands whenever we were unhappy with them or with ourselves. Think how much stronger our marriages would be. But it is so easy to say “oh, they just don’t understand how I feel”. Of course they don’t because we don’t give them the opportunity to understand. Husbands will listen and try to understand if we give them the chance. Believe me, I know. There have been times however that Doug has told me “I just can’t help you with this – you need to talk to someone else, a sister or a friend, whoever, just talk to someone.” Hooray – I have permission to tell someone else who will give me sympathy and understanding! Doug understood he couldn’t help me with that particular problem!! I don’t need to feel guilty in this instance. Rare, but it has happened!
Other marriage advice my mom gave me – which, again, wasn’t really advice – was by her example. Not the example of marriage, but by not trying in any way to interfere in my marriage. My mom is probably the least intrusive mother or mother-in-law you could find. She doesn’t ask questions about my marriage, our finances, what’s going on in our kids lives – nothing. She doesn’t question any of our decisions, just lets us live our own lives as a couple and as a family. Even when she knew we were struggling in some way, she let us deal with it. If we asked her advice, then she might give it to us. When we go to St. George to visit – knowing we have both families in town, she is just happy to see us when we can make it to her house. She doesn’t complain if we don’t spend as much time with her as she would like us too. It’s our choice. Same as with everything else – this is OUR marriage, not hers or anyone else’s.
How great is that! I don’t know how she does it but it is something I am striving to do – not interfere in my kids marriages. (And let me tell you – it’s hard. I am getting better at biting my tongue!) I love that example she has given me – the “advice in a marriage that wasn’t really advice. "
I guess what I am trying to say – is we all need to realize that in a marriage there are two people, two completely different people trying to become “as one”. Yet, you can’t do that if you don’t communicate and talk to each other about the big – and little - things.
Those little things will just get bigger if you talk to someone other than your husband about them, and those big things, well, they just get lots bigger. Communication - I wrote about that before in another post. (I must write about what I need to work on!) In any relationship, communication is the key.
I guess that would be the marriage advice I would give to anyone – communicate with your spouse. It will open doors in your relationship you didn’t even know were closed. It will keep those doors opened which will help you to “become one”. It will keep you falling in love - over and over again. Isn't that what we all want in our marriage? I know I do!
